First Birthday, it's not always easy
So today is Tagg's Birthday. His first one. We've got balloons and cupcakes and a hot chocolate bar planned for Saturday but today is just about being thankful for him. Thankful that he is here with us and healthy and thriving. He is one of the happiest and most laid back babies I have ever met.
Before I met Tagg I wasn't so sure that I wanted another baby. And certainly not so soon after having a baby. I knew in my heart that I was not meant to have a son. I'm a girl mom, clearly. I wanted him to be a girl desperately. I spent my whole pregnancy praying. Praying that it would go away. Praying that he wasn't a boy. Praying that I could handle it when I just knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. I knew things would never be the same. You can't be the same mom with multiple children as you can with just one. I was angry at God for choosing this for me. Those were awful prayers that were not rooted in love. They were not rooted in goodness. I was selfish and I was scared.
And Guilt. I felt guilty. Guilty that I was pregnant again and didn't want to be when so many friends were struggling with infertility and one of my best friends had lost her newborn son just a few months before. Guilty.
Shame. Shame that I felt that way. Shame that I'm sharing this and might already be regretting it. But I just felt like maybe someone else might relate and know that they are not the only one. I am a very happily married adult and not a single teenage girl and I was still nervous and slightly sad about having a baby.
And despite it all, God gifted me with love. He gave me the most perfect little boy he'd ever created. He's beautiful and calm and loves to snuggle. He's got the most gregarious and engaging personality and his baby giggles come straight from heaven. He's everything you could want in a baby. His love is unending.
I have spent every single day of the past year regretting my original desires for my family. I say special prayer each night with my children for allowing me to be their mother. And I mean it. And the thing is, I'm not the same Mom. I'm a better one. And the struggles of having two babies to care for has changed me and strengthened me for the better. I could never have fathomed just how complete our family would feel with Tagg a part of it. And my love for him might not have come easily like it did the first time when I cried tears of praise minutes after peeing on a stick. But it's a solid and deep rooted love that grows more and more each day. In fact, I couldn't love him more if I tried.
He has delivered not anything but never-ending love and happiness to our own family.
*together with a lot of now not so extraordinary sleepless nights, however this is a newborn for you*
And the last few days have brought some pretty awesome firsts with his development along with that big first birthday candle. I found him on his tummy three days in a row now in his crib. This is huge. And just last night I propped him up on the couch and he stood up and held on ALL BY HIMSELF. This is big. Like real big. It only last about 45 seconds before he slumped down. But he did it. And just in time for his Birthday.
I can't wait to celebrate his special life this weekend with our families. Thank you all so much for your constant love and support. Your prayers and cheers for Tagg mean more than y'all realize.